On Turning Four

Hannah turned 4 yesterday! A happy day, a sad day, a tough day. I talked to her about the day she was born, how happy we were and how her dad changed her first diaper and fed her for the first time. I told her about the fact that her dad was always the first to do something for her. And how he would "model" for me and then I followed. But talking about these wonderful memories also reminded me of the fact that she has a father, but he is dead. No euphemisms. No "passed away" (passed away to go to where?) No to "we lost daddy" (I usually lose my keys and my glasses I find the, I can't find ALan, other than in my memories). I simply tell her que papa murio.

But yesterday was a happy day: We had lots of candles, six cup cakes, which we used for the candles throughout the day, and many calls from friends and family: Millie, as usual, called from Spain. We talked to her and Jazmin. It was wonderful to hear her voice, always present, as if she were with me, in good times and bad times. (I always say it is easy to be friends when things go well, when you have to celebrate. It is not easy to be friends when things go bad, really bad. And Millie is great at this!). Hannah's grandpas and grandma also called and sang the Happy B-day to her. And her cousins called. I know Hannah talked to Maiu, Martin, and Dani y Monica. Ahora, de que hablaron, no tengo idea, ya que Hannah no me dijo nada. Y Marta no me explico. Y Marta le trajo un bici. Increible!

Overall, it was a great day for Hannah! It was a happy day for me. But it was a very sad day, because I kept thinking about what could have been, what should have been, and the loss.

Today, Hannah va a reventar la mini-pinata. Y el sabado va a ser el cumple. A seguir festejando!